Offensive species of plants

Making our community safer

Phil Mataleven

Warning: Contains material that may be shocking to some readers.

According to the chairperson of the Wry Horticulture Society, Bunny Pellits, offensive species of sexually explicit plants are a special focus of the Society this spring and summer.

Yellow tulip. (photo by Len Scappon)

The Horticulture Society is working with the support of the Wry First Traffic Light Community Church in this control effort. Minister Ran Tenrave, speaking at a recent Learning Center meeting said, "It leaves me nearly speechless to see our precious youth exposed to this raw sexuality throughout the community. The bisexual, hermaphrodite nature of these plants, with their naked anthers, stamens, and pistils is more than we should tolerate."

Pink rhododendron. (photo by Len Scappon)

Pellits said that the preferred solution would be to spray each offending plant with the RoundUp herbicide, but pending the legislative support for such a program, they are asking Wry residents to voluntarily cloak their plants during the flowering season. Members of both the Society and the Church are working feverishly to make covers to place over the flowers. Donations of old sheets, blankets, and towels are most welcome.

In a parallel universe, March, 2009