Rye missile strike set for Labor Day

Old police station to be 'vaporized'

Black Dog McFarland

Rye Reflections has learned of a secret agreement forged between the Selectmen of Rye and the government of North Korea which will allow North Korea to target the old Rye police station with a newly engineered nuclear vaporizing bomb.

North Korean missile incoming over Rye. (artist's conception by Dot Snice)

In a hastily arranged meeting, Selectman Joe Mills grinned slyly as he unveiled the details of the agreement. “Now you are beginning to realize the real reason for those secret Selectmen meetings.” said Mills. “Disposing of the old police building has been a priority issue facing Selectmen these past few months. An opportunity arose which will allow us to completely remove the building and any environmental problems which might exist in the immediate area at no cost to the taxpayers and with no possibility of pollution from any source tainting the town of Rye. Not only is it a win-win situation for the Town, but it will bring us incremental worldwide publicity, something which you cannot buy at any price. You just can’t allow public participation on decisions which will have the impact of putting Rye on the map in such an important way. Rye will be on the lips and in the minds of people around the world,” he stated.

Reaching the agreement involved direct negotiations with two representatives of North Korean strongman Kim 11-Sung. These persons managed to sneak into town disguised as ordinary Americans—one made up to look like Jimmy Buffett and the other made up to appear like Groucho Marx—and attended a secret Rye Selectman’s meeting in early February. The Buffett impersonator wore a tropical shirt and shorts as he strummed a guitar and hummed the words to Margaritaville while the Marx persona whispered the secret word to enter the closed-door meeting during a gathering New Hampshire northeast snow storm.

Early negotiations were hampered, according to Mills, by the Selectmen’s insistence that there be no peripheral damage caused by the detonation. The bomb, which is to be carried by an advanced Hy Flung type long range missile, is to be launched from eastern North Korea. It will have to traverse the Pacific Ocean and parts of southern Canada and the northern United States. Because the old police station is located very close to residences, the cemetery, and the town hall it is imperative that the strike be of the greatest accuracy. This was all made absolutely clear to Kim 11-Sung’s representatives, and the February meeting was adjourned to allow the Buffet and Marx impersonators to return to North Korea for consultations.

Jimmy Buffett impersonator. (F. Stop Fitzgerald photo)

It took until mid April before Kim 11-Sung erased all of the misgivings at the town hall as he gave his absolute word to the town officials that there would be no mishaps. At that point the two North Korean representatives returned to Rye, this time with the musician disguised in an Elvis outfit, including a white coat and blue suede shoes, while the other gentleman wore a Ronald Reagan mask. Here is the deal, as explained by Mills and interpreted by Rye Reflections:

At noon, eastern daylight time, on September 7, 2009, Labor Day in America, a Hy Flung missile carrying a high-tech nuclear vaporizing bomb will be fired from an undisclosed site on the east coast of North Korea. Traveling at a rapid but secret speed towards the town of Rye, the missile will strike the old police station building at approximately 2:30 p.m.

There will be no explosion upon impact. Rather, the old police station will simply disappear. It will be a silent event. According to town authorities, the only noticeable result from the missile strike will be a small cloud of non-toxic dust which will drift away with the breeze. Even those resting comfortably in the nearby cemetery will feel no effect.



To boldly express his confidence in the accuracy of the North Korean technology and the integrity of the North Korean government, Mills has pledged to hold an open Selectman’s meeting at 2:15 p.m. at the Town Hall, which will be followed by a free barbecue which will be open to all. He is inviting representatives of the local press, including those from the Portsmouth Herald and Rye Reflections, to the meeting. The meeting will begin, according to Mills, with a stroll to the site of the old police building to occur at 2:45 p.m. At that time the press will be given the opportunity to inspect the vacant lot which will be the result of the explosion.

At 3 p.m. the Labor Day barbecue in the parking lot of the Town Hall will begin. It is to be hosted by the Selectmen, and is an attempt, according to Mills, to build a feeling of fellowship among the town residents.

In a good will gesture, the Portsmouth Herald is donating the beer for the event. Victor Azzi has volunteered to man the grilles, and there will be entertainment provided by local notables. Jack Driscoll has promised an appearance by his heretofore secret barber shop quartet, called the Four R’s. Rumor has it that Selectperson Jenness’s clogging group will also put in an appearance.

The upcoming missile strike and removal of the old police station is the culmination of years of hard work.

Rye elected officials spent a tremendous amount of time studying the fate of the dilapidated building. The missile strike was chosen over numerous alternatives due to its low cost and its lack of deleterious impact on the environment. However, there is one problem remaining.

Permission for North Korea to fire a rocket across the Pacific Ocean and parts of the United States and Canada required approvals from not only the Obama regime, but also the Canadian, Japanese, and other smaller island nation’s governments.

Hundreds of phone calls to faraway places were made. That fact brought a word of caution from the Selectmen. Yes, the cost to remove the old police station has come in well under budget and that's a good thing. Would any public-spirited benefactor like to step forward to pay the phone bill?  

In a parallel universe, August, 2009