Battered Bittern bails

Insidious insect-haters prevail

Black Dog McFarland

In a surprise move, embattled gubernatorial candidate and president of FOBB {Friends of Biting Bugs} Herona Bittern has dropped out of the race for governor.

With only days to go until the election, Bittern, accompanied by a small group of supporters, held a press conference at the place where her campaign began, a wide stretch of Ocean Boulevard in close proximity to Eel Pond. Noticeably absent were members of the press, including Channel 9's massive mobile unit.

In a short speech Bittern blamed her withdrawal upon an unethical opposition group. It was a leaden and cold day, with a light sleety rain falling as Bittern brushed unruly locks of hair from her eyes and began her explanation.

"From the moment I entered this race I have been the target of a group of insidious insect haters." she began.

"Before the campaign was two months old my enemies conspired to dump insects on the steps of the library, to mail me a replica of a mosquito with a screw through its torso and placed fly swatters at strategic locations throughout the town.

"All of these incidents were accompanied by some form of device which was intended to label my support of biting bugs as hypocrisy.

"I shrugged off these incidents as politics at its worst and kept working. As I have made very clear, I intended to be the candidate of underdogs everywhere. I was to be the voice of the little guy and woman.

"Lately, however, these hostile acts have taken a more personal and threatening tone, leading me to fear for my own safety, and for the safety of my supporters.

"To affix antennas to the front of my van and spray paint it so as to make it appear to be a large roach is simply uncalled for.

"Draping my house with mosquito netting was not only regrettable, it was a complete waste of valuable resources and an affront to my dignity.

"Defacing my mailbox by erasing my name and replacing it with HYPOCRITE is not only personally offensive to me, but it is a crime against our great country.

"It is a crying shame," she went on, "that bigotry and small mindedness have forced me, for my own safety, to abandon my goals and withdraw from this race."

With that Ms. Bittern brushed a small tear from her eye and turned away from her applauding supporters.

"Wait till next time!" shouted someone in the crowd, and that was followed by murmurs of approval. But Ms. Bittern did not turn back or acknowledge the support. The sleety rain turned to a wet snow.



In a parallel universe, November, 2009


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