Red Sox sign Witchdoc to three-year deal

Blackdog McFarland

Rye Reflections has learned that the Boston Red Sox have signed a professional witch doctor to a three-year contract. Dr. Abbaj Musashabbi was chosen over a total of seven applicants and has already begun his assignment with the team.

In case you are wondering, a witch doctor is a person who is capable of negating the effects of witches by treating and curing witches' mischief.

Dr. Abbaj Musashabbi. (Len Scappon photo)
When contacted by Rye Reflections, Red Sox officials were reluctant to discuss the specifics of their new position. However, one spokesman, speaking off the record, did admit that the organization had placed ads in several Third World nation publications, requesting that authentic witch doctors make themselves known to the club and be prepared to come to Boston for "tryouts".

According to this spokesman, the purpose of a witch doctor would be to serve as a special assistant to team doctor Thomas J. Gill with the specific responsibility of achieving rapid healing of those injuries which are directly attributable to witchcraft. The injuries in question are those that are caused by foul balls [orbus intelligus] ricocheting into susceptible Red Sox players' anatomy and those caused by players crashing into one another while chasing fly balls and pop-ups [orbus stratohypus].

According to Rye Reflection's anonymous source, the search for a witch doctor began after Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein publicly commented that the recent rash of injuries on the club had an "other worldly" feel to them. It didn't take Red Sox Nation long to extrapolate on his comments and to bring the New York Yankees into the mix. Did Theo actually mean that the Yankees had placed some sort of curse on the Sox? Could it be that the Curse of the Bambino had returned in some mutated form?

Your Rye Reflections reporter, after considerable effort, was able to arrange an interview with the Red Sox newest employee. The following is an attempt to reconstruct that interview as best as possible without jeopardizing the possible success of the Doctor's mission.

Rye Reflections:: Sir, please give us your name.

Witch Doctor:: I am Doctor Abbaj Musashabbi.

Rye Reflections: We understand you are an employee of the Boston Red Sox.

Dr. Musashabbi: That is okay.

Rye Reflections: Would you mind telling us what your nationality is?

Dr. Musashabbi: Of course, a little bite of Transylvania and just a taste of Zimbabwe.

Rye Reflections: Interesting. What is the nature of your employment?

Dr. Musashabbi: I am professor of Witchography. My job is to find inception of the recent calamitous spattering of injuries to the Red Sox team and eliminate it for all time no matter what it gets.

Rye Reflections: Well, that is no small task. Could you give us some examples of what you're working on?
Dr. Musashabbi: Yes. How about broken feet? How is it possible in the course of pleasant ballmatch to have players break bones in foot? In my country baseball is not popular, but even I know multiplied broken feet is not normal and does not happen without the presence of witchcraft in some form or other. For example, look at Dusting Predoa, a tough cook in anyone's book. Only other worldly actions could keep this sapien off the field.
Rye Reflections: Yes, a tough cook. Have you ever tried his meatloaf?

Dr. Musashabbi: Example: Jayson Verrytech, not a young man but tough as nail. It is not possible to injure him without witchwork.
Rye Reflections: Then there is Victor Martinez, another victim of the broken-foot plague.

Dr. Musashabbi: You see, you see? Something is very, very fish in Boston air.
Rye Reflections: Some injuries have been the result of players chasing fly balls and crashing into each other.
Dr. Musashabbi: This behavior directly attached to witchwork. Good witch can inject air with controversial electrical impulses causing chaos among gamers. Has happen in my country with soccer players kicking ball into own goal or heading own teamer. Very very bad!
Rye Reflections: Dr. Musashabbi, you appear to have an understanding of the problem but all of New England wants to know: What is the solution? How can a witch doctor help the Red Sox overcome this calamitous string of injuries and go on to capture the pennant?

Dr. Musashabbi: Witchography expert go to square root of trouble. Some object or person has casted evil spiel on Red Sox organs. Could be a gellous rival, could be one who stands beneficial from drastic event. I know not as of this momentous but will find out sooner than sometime.    

Rye Reflections: You think this could be the result of a jealous rival?

Dr. Musashabbi:: This is one possible, yes. I have seen such in my country more than twice.

Rye Reflections: I am sure you must have heard of the New York Yankees. Do you think there is any truth to the rumor currently circulating around town that the Steinbrenner organization is behind this extraordinary rash of Red Sox player injuries?

Dr. Musashabbi: I am cognitive person so of course New York Yankees are gamers which have penetrated my awareness. This how do you say Stringbanner it is not anything which I am well accustomed with and so I would preference not to discussion.

Rye Reflections: I have heard that there were at least seven applicants for the job of witch doctor. What is the reason that you were chosen over the other six?

Dr. Musashabbi: For certain it is my fluidity in the English tongue. Some of the other applications had no ability to commune with the gamers. For I, I make instant friendliness with all Red Sox gamers. Let me assent you that it is only a matter of annuals before the witchwork is gone and things return to okay.

Rye Reflections: Thank you, Doctor Musashabbi, for the opportunity to converse with you. We all wish you luck in your mission to return the Red Sox to a healthy state.


In a parallel universe, August, 2010